My 2nd chapter with Bile Duct Cancer (Cholangiocarcinoma)- I was not a Monk

 We are all unique individuals and have a  set pattern of handling events of our life. Our body and mind have an inherent mechanism to cope up with stress and anxiety. It reacts differently in each case according to our capacity and capabilities.  Failings and foibles are always holding our hands. Superheroes don't exist in the real world. It's fine. Inhale and exhale.....I am not a preacher though or a healer. I was a witness to all, unfortunately.

Courage and Strength are not handkerchiefs in our back pockets.  We have our own stories of setbacks, of heartaches, of pain, of stress, of panic-stricken nights, of sweaty mornings, of faster pulse rates, of sobbing underneath the pillow, of wiping tears at the backyard,  struggling hard each minute to bottle sanity.

We all want to relieve pain, stress, we all desire a shoulder …there may be some who have handled anxiety in a better way, some who did not…how does it matter, at the end it's our struggles, we took care of it in the best possible way either we failed or lifted ourselves up, it's our stories, entirely taken care of by us. 

Dad after being diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma in September and with palliative treatment, started recuperating, stable, weak, pale, and worthier if not hope there was a faint gleam everywhere, of living by days, by moments, if not by years. Not at all waiting for the grandiose plan of living life till the last star falls, or the end of civilization or till the last day of the world but with fragmented hours, sliced minutes, and crumbled seconds he knew, we knew we were moving forward in the journey.

• https://www.cancer.org/cancer/bile-duct-cancer/about/key-
• statistics.htmlhttps://cholangiocarcinoma.org/the-disease/treatment-options/

Now as we tend to be around people who are affected with any kind of ailments or disease and especially with the brutal C, we might have an occasional, frequent, usual outburst of stress, fear, anxiety. The magnum varies accordingly.  Some days go smoothly, some are rugged, some instinctive, some insane, some gratifying and many berserks. There are days when there is an infinite strength, almost to the power of being an inspiration to many and there are days when we feel doomed, scarped, and sunken all at a go. This time one tends to either break into pieces or gather up all the strength.

Managing stress is a very vital stand while you dip your hands into the water

Cholangiocarcinoma is cancer that arises from cells within the bile ducts, both inside and outside. Symptoms vary in each patient from itching, to pain, to fever, weakness and other complications. 

Every patient apart from the physical crisis goes through a sea of psychological and emotional stress. And as a caregiver, the battle is equally compelling.

Anxiety and Stress

I have never been very anxiety prone person but we are not entitled to make tall claims because life throws tantrums all the times in an uncanny way when you least expect.  

Anxiety, as we say, is our body's natural response to stress, a sunken feeling gripping all the time of untold and unforeseen events which might occur. Its' relevance to reality does not have a validation always. But it cannot be wiped out completely from our lives. It stays there in patches and spots unless you have sold your Ferrari to be a monk.

The stress mechanism and the anxiety trials 

From an active man who walked, worked, talked, ate,  to being a ‘patient' the journey is immense, the disease incurable,( at least with my Dad's stage) the battle already christened as ‘ lost'. From heading a lost battle to being a sole caregiver was all about anxiety.

I understood anxiety in the best way unlike I used to claim that it doesn't affect me. It did, it did in the best possible way, in the worst way too. Subtle to harsh every emotion and reaction had an expression. That was the saving grace. I found words as a breather, some may find tears but it wasn't an organized pattern. Haphazard and unorganized, it was erratic but that was peaceful in its own way. I was myself…Anxiety is spontaneous.

There were a series of clinical investigations. Hope wandered here and there. The logical mind had reasons to flutter around; after all, we are humans and not mechanized robots harping on assigned codes. Reasonable mind always understood the clinical trials. Nodding head, clarifying every medical term either from Google or from support groups or from the doctor. Biology seemed a better subject now with practical insight. Yes, the stomach and its parts were more clearly inferred now with reference to a diagram and explanation from the doctor. Anxiety prevailed all the time settling in order from 10 -6.

The anxiety trials were on the brink of exploding the moment I used to see the reports. There were times it went all normal but the stress level never wrinkled to zero. My hubby came as a savior, he has an inherent mechanism of fighting stress as a warrior but strangely emotions are his weapon.

Let emotions flow he says ….that's the best way to deal stress. Hold them, gather them, collect them, recognize them and live them fully…anxiety truly renounces with this mechanism.

More to come in the next chapter as a caregiver, as a daughter, as a human being and as a simple soul who took refuge in words.

IMAGE AND REFERENCE -Google